As I was meditating before getting out of bed, the message I was shown was three coins...love, work and money. I was asked to let go of thinking of money, to give it over to God. The work should be what I love, and obviously love is the priority. So I come downstairs, make my scrambled eggs, and as I sit down to eat, I see on the corner of the newspaper "do what you love" and as I proceeded to eat my eggs, I found 7 heart shapes in them! In the half hour that's followed, I've seen three more!

Thank you for the reminder to keep doing what I love and let go of the outcome.
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This Mother's Day, I received my gift from Dylan a couple of days early.

Friday night, Gomer and I, along with Dylan's dad, went to the Special Olypmics awards banquet in St. Thomas. Dylan walked up and greeted us in the hall, wearing the black suit he had worn for our wedding last summer, and a black bow tie. I'd never seen him look more handsome (or so grown up)!

We sat throughout the dinner and awards, and Dylan was the special volunteer to help draw the door prize names from the barrel. He was so proud of his job and took delight in going up to the front to draw the names.

While he didn't receive an individual award this year, he was recognized for his particpation in adaptive swimming and soccer.

When the awards and speeches were complete, it was time to dance. Dylan had been to a few dances at school and for Special Olympics and was excited to get out on the floor. He wondered around at first, every so often letting out a little shuffle, until a girl approached him and took his hands to dance. He began dancing with her and was enjoying himself. Gomer, Rob (his dad) and I sat back and watched, with huge smiles on our face. This was the first time that we'd ever seen him dance with a girl.

I grabbed my camera to take some pictures and then Gomer suggested I take some video with my camera as well. My heart was full as I videoed my son sharing his first "couple" dance.

The song ended and he walked off, but then the girl found him again, and again got him dancing with her. It was incredible! I can't begin to describe the joy in my heart at seeing my boy dancing with a girl....

When the song ended he came over to us for a quick visit, but quickly returned to the dance floor, only this time he went and found the same girl and grabbed her hands to dance! We were shocked as we watched him initiate the dance, not just once but twice! This was huge!!!

As the tears of joy welled in our hearts, we watched as Dylan danced. I went onto the floor a couple of times and shared my first "slow dance" with my son. It was like a dream come true. (Tears welling as I write.) I couldn't have been more proud of my son and the man that he's growing into.

Sunday morning he gave me the present that he'd made in school. It was a paper mache disk that said "l_ve Dylan" with some flowers. I thought he'd broken it when he opened it and brought it over to me, and at first was disappointed, but later learned that it had broken in school. It didn't matte though.

The real gift this year was seeing my son dance. It showed me a promise, a hope for his future, and that was the best gift he could have ever given me.




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I've decided to give EMDR a try.

After an injury and depression at the end of last year, I placed a call to visit my previous therapist to help me through those issues, but was put on a three month wait list. The therapist finally called a few weeks ago, asking if I'd still like to see her, but I wasn't sure that I needed to, as I'd been able to work through those issues. The timing of her call was interesting though, as I'd been feeling frustrated by old issues that kept resurfacing. I knew she had taken some training in a treatment called EMDR and I was curious to see if it could help. I set up an appointment and kept an open mind.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and  Reprocessing. From the EMDR International Association website, it states that "we do know that when a person is very upset, their brain cannot process information as it does ordinarily. One moment becomes "frozen in time," and
remembering a trauma may feel as bad as going through it the first time because
the images, sounds, smells, and feelings haven’t changed. Such memories have a
lasting negative effect that interferes with the way a person sees the world and
the way they relate to other people."

It also states "EMDR seems to have a direct effect on the way that the brain processes
information. Normal information processing is resumed, so following a successful
EMDR session, a person no longer relives the images, sounds, and feelings when
the event is brought to mind. You still remember what happened, but it is less
upsetting. Many types of therapy have similar goals. However, EMDR appears to be
similar to what occurs naturally during dreaming or REM (rapid eye movement)
sleep. Therefore, EMDR can be thought of as a physiologically based therapy that
helps a person see disturbing material in a new and less distressing way."

The way my therapist explained it to me, EMDR helps to rebalance the two halves of the brain...to look at things not just "analytical" or not just "emotional", and this made huge sense to me, being an overly emotional individual. The thought of rebalancing my brain to process more "bilaterally" was encouraging and flowed with my "alternative yet traditional" approach to health.

I thought that I'd write about this journey as a way to remember and also to share what this new process is all about.

The first visit was a learning experience of what EMDR is and can do. My homework was to come up with a "safe space" in my mind, that I could return to whenever I worked on hard or unpleasant memories. With my safe place chosen, I was ready for the second visit.

The second visit involved exploring the safe place, to really feel, sense, smell, hear, and otherwise be completely aware of everything about that place. Once that was set, she brought out an electronic device to help my mind and body focus bilaterally. My chosen modalty were two pods, one that I held in each hand, and that would pulse back and forth during the reprocessing. Once they were in my hands, we tried a couple of practice runs of visiting a frustrating or irritating memory and then returning to my safe space, (to set me up for further work).

It was very interesting what this practice brought up, especially when I was asked to speak about the irritating experience and then speak about my senses returning to the safe space. I could feel the senses in my body shifting back to a place of peace.

Without giving away the particulars of my safe space, I will say that I was able to easily access the sights, sounds, smells and feelings of the place that I had chosen. It gave me a sense of joy, of relaxation, of light and darkness, and also a sense of gratitude. There were some interesting insights I received from visiting this safe space, and the name I chose for it was Sanctuary.

On a fascinating sidenote to my visit, earlier in the day I just "happened" to catch a post from Oprah on Facebook saying her Lifeclass would just be starting in Toronto. I clicked on the link and the theme of the talk was Gratitude, and the parts that I watched were filled with messages that were applicable to my visit...particulary the sense of "gratitude" I felt in my safe space. Another interesting note is that whenever I was asked to return to my safe space, the light literally came in through the window, almost like Divine assistance in my journey towards inner healing and peace.

I felt grounded and almost in a meditative state while in my safe space, and could feel the energy running through me. The sensation that I felt was the same as I've been able to access before while meditating, but the focus it asked of me was a new way to access it. I will definitely be "practicing" my homework to get ready for the the real work ahead.

I left the office feeling lighter and glowing, with a deep sense of trust and knowing that this modality was right for me, and also with a new item to add to my inner strength and peace tools.

We'll see how things progress.
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(from 03/23/2012)

    As some of you many know, I've been writing a book about a journey that I
took in 2008. Well, this week I finally finished my first draft and couldn't be
more excited! 

    It was challenge to write, as doubts and fears had clogged my path. I'd
wanted to write the story as soon as I arrived home from my travels, but life
got in the way, (as well as those doubts), but now it's finally DONE.

    What kept me persevering was the guidance of my God/my heart. It told me to
write the story for myself; to simply get it written, and not to worry about
what would happen later. I learned that the writing process was fun, that it
reminded me of how much I've always loved to put words to paper, and most
importantly, it reminded me of all the lessons that I'd learned during my
journey.

    After finishing the final words, I lay in bed that night feeling so very
grateful: grateful for the journey I was able to take, grateful for the time to
write about it, and grateful to everyone who had/has supported me through both. 
 
    In writing the story I wanted to make it come alive, to honestly tell the ups
and downs, to share the miracles and the lessons that helped me learn more about
love and faith. I'm not sure yet what form it will take (self-published, e-book,
traditional publishing route, or what), but I do know that if anyone else is
meant to read it, they will. 

    I was driving myself a little crazy yesterday thinking about a title and
subtitle, so I decided to remember my lesson and ask God for what the title
should be. The answer that came was Finding Heart. It seemed a little strange
(being singular in the "heart") but then I realized the perfection of it. I
found my heart, as well as all the others I'd found along the way. Heart, in
this sense, was a noun as well as a verb, and it implied the journey it took to
reach it.

    Ever the perfectionist I tried to come up with something else, but lying in
bed it came back to me again. Who was I to try and perfect God's suggestion? The
subtitle came then as well. "How one mother let go, lived her dream, and found
herself on the journey of a lifetime." The "found herself" part could be taken a
couple of ways, but I liked that as well. 

    So there it is; book's written, title and subtitle are selected, and now the
challenging part begins. I poured my heart into those words and now I have to
edit them and listen to critique. Once again I will need to let go, remain true
to my dream, and find the balance between emotional honesty and literary
correctness. 

    This journey, this process, never ends. It transforms from one incarnation
into another. Like a butterfly, I must let it go and see where it wants to
fly.

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(from 03/15/2012)

    Yesterday my son came to stay with me for five days during March Break. After
lunch we decided to take a walk to Springbank Park, a local park near our home.
It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day for March and we enjoyed seeing nature
spring back to life. We crossed the bridge in the park and took a little stroll
down past the golf course, not really sure where we were heading but enjoying
the adventure nonetheless.

    I looked up at a tree and spotted a face, so of course had to stop and take a
picture, and farther along we spotted some pussy willows. The path led us in a
direction away from where we needed to go, so we doubled back. I happened to
notice another nature spirit face in the same tree, but on the other side. It
was almost like Dylan knew where I needed to take some pictures, as he sat down
on a fallen tree and patiently waited while I took some pictures of the face,
and then a fungus on the side of the tree. 

    I knew he wanted to go down near the water, so I found a way for us to get
down there and we looked around a bit. I noticed some tiny yellow flowers, not
sure what they were, and took their picture while Dylan waited again. While I
was crouched down I happened to notice an interesting rock that I picked up and
handed to Dylan. It was some kind of quartz/calcite combination, but regardless,
he took it and held it while we made our way back home.

    All along the walk he held it, sometimes throwing it up in the air, sometimes
dropping it on the ground because he missed catching it. It was a treasure to
him and I was glad that he brought it all the way home. 

    He set it down on the kitchen counter and hurried downstairs to use the
computer. I had noticed when we were almost home that the rock had chipped and
broken a bit because of the drops, but I didn't care. He had fun with it and
that was all that mattered. When I picked it up to look at it again, the rock
had become heart-shaped! From three different angles you could see a heart,
clear as anything. What a special afternoon, and what a special little miracle
my son had "accidentally" created.

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(from 03/09/2012)

    So yesterday was one of those days when life had me "off". Whether it was
solar flares, retrograde moons, 2012 clearing energy or what, I felt off. Recent
issues were weighing me down and proving to be a growing experience, and deep
past issues were rising again and I desperately wanted to be free of them. My
body was aching and for me that was a sign that I was emotionally off. I was
able to get my body downstairs to exercise, but the tears that were filling up
my soul just spilled out as I was doing my weights and crunches. I felt like I
needed to see my chiropractor, and as I had this thought I noticed a heart-shape
divot on the floor. Confirmation number one.

    I called and was able to get in because of a cancellation (confirmation
number two), and as I was getting a stew ready for the day, my husband came home
with a fake flower that he'd found, both as a romantic gesture and to add to our
faerie portrait set that we were building. The tears came again and I knew that
something was passing through and that I needed this appointment.

    On the bus ride to the chiropractor, I thought about seeing Lorraine, the
lady that works in the little health store there, to see about a Bach Flower
Remedy. She's a really gifted woman when it comes to creating these, and they
have worked for me in the past for clearing deep issues. As I was waiting in the
room for my adjustment, who happens to walk by but Lorraine, and then comes back
in to see how I'm doing (confirmation number three). We have a short chat where
I explain how I'm feeling and how I had thought of seeing her that day. She
smiles and says to see what my chiropractor says and to come see her after my
adjustment.

    The adjustment went well and was advised to yes, indeed see Lorraine, that
this would be helpful. She doesn't always recommend this, only when she knows
that it will be of benefit. I became emotional during my adjustment so she gave
me a moment in the room afterwards, to collect myself, and as I was leaving to
go see Lorraine, I spied an upside-down heart on the door frame. Confirmation
number four that I was on the right path. 

    Lorraine and I had a great chat and she listened to my problems and wrote
notes down to what I would need in my remedy. Lorraine has a gift, and her
remedies work, sometimes even before I receive them. I whole-heartedly believe
in them, as they work to heal the energy of a situation. I knew my energy was
stuck and blocked, and I felt like this was where I was being guided as the
answer to my prayers. I just woke up knowing I was ready for this long-held
energy to be moved and the hearts I saw yesterday just confirmed my feelings. 
 
    Sometimes I get busy and forget about my guidance system, but when I do take
the time to really listen, the hearts always guide me to where I need to go.

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(from 01/13/2012)

    Since my last blog, I've taken time away for healing and contemplation. This
injury has been quite a challenge for me in many ways and only by taking time to
rest and pray have I started the journey back to health.

    I'm blessed to have the most amazing chiropractor I have ever known, who
knows exactly what my body needs and listens to it intimately. I knew that as
soon as I saw her I would start to heal, and heal I have. My neck was out of
alignment in a huge way and contributed to much of the pain and discomfort that
I was going through. But energetically I was not myself either and her calming
adjustment provided the start of balance I needed to return back to my normal
state. With a second visit three days later, my body responded even better,
clearer and energetically a lot of the trauma was beginning to move away. I
value so much a practitioner who not only understands the body from a
physical/anatomical sense, but from an energetic sense as well, as this is what
my body reacts to and needs to heal. With the suggestion of a remedy called
Traumica, and a visit next week, I now feel the most myself I have in weeks.
Which leads to the other part of the healing equation.

    Faith. Back in 2010 I had a terrible bout with depression, and through a
friend's guidance I came to fully understand and embrace the power of prayer and
direct conversation with God. Now I had always resisted God, as my understanding
at the time was an old man up in the clouds who was very judgemental. But what I
came to learn, through direct experience, an open mind and a hopeful heart, was
that God could be whatever my heart desired God to be. God could be friend, God
could be parent, God could be man or woman or the duality of both. I could make
God look like whatever I wanted, so long as I believed. I also came to
understand that God may not always answer my prayers the way I want, but that
they will always be answered the way that best serves my highest good, whatever
that may be. 

    I had to learn to surrender, a word that seems so weak and
demeaning, but in reality is the only way to have ultimate faith. And the
biggest thing I learned was to talk with God daily, like a friend, to share, to
ask guidance, to thank and to turn to first of all. But as time always does, and
life gets busy and moves us in ways that pull us in many directions, I began to
forget. Little by little, day by day, until only the piece of my relationship
with God that was left was when I was in trouble and I was asking God for help. 
 
    Like these past few weeks. I had become looser with my faith, experimenting with
other ideas, and trying to communicate with benign spirits other than God. I had
forgotten to begin my day with God's light and God's purpose inside of me, and
turned instead to try finding my own. But through the challenge of these last
two weeks I found myself turning more and more to God, and slowly found my way
back to the relationship that I had.


 


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(from 01/04/2012)

One of the things that I'd like to write about on this
blog is about Autism, and specifically the journey of it with my son Dylan.
Dylan just turned 13 this past December and watching him grow has been an
incredible journey. When the diagnosis first came when his Dad (my ex) and I
were living in the States, it felt like my heart was ripped out. Every hope and
dream I had had in raising a child seemed smashed, and an uncertain future lay
before us. 

     The despair and anguish that first appeared gradually
gave way to the warrior mom in me that wanted to fix or cure it. Surely there
was something I could do...I was his Mom. I combed the internet looking for
answers, but the biggest one seemed to be in therapies. Speech therapy and
occupational therapy became the norm for our lives, followed by trying almost
every dietary therapy available. But the harder I tried, the worse "I" felt,
even though there were little pockets of success now and then. In reflection, I
was living my life through him, my guilt and determination in trying to "cure"
him had reduced me to "autism mom" and left nothing of "Tracy" available.  
 
     I met a wise woman when we moved back to St. Thomas. She
told me that Dylan wasn't the one that needed to be healed...I did. That stung a
lot. As a mom, I felt it was my responsibility to help him, but she showed me
that I wasn't really doing that when I couldn't take care of myself. That's when
the journey to find and heal "Me" again really began. 

     I made many changes, some big and small small, and
almost miraculously Dylan started changing as well. With every step I took to
heal "Me", he began to grow and heal. I learned a profound lesson from this and
as a results made a life-alternating trip that helped both of us to grow and
heal even more. One of the biggest lessons to come out of this journey, being
away from him without means to communicate, was a lesson in autistic
communication. I use that term lightly, as I fully believe now that there is
more to autism than a set of developmental, social and speech delays, and more
to communication than speaking words out of our mouths. One of my biggest issues
and sorrows with Dylan and his autism was that even though he had many words, I
wasn't able to have a "normal" conversation with him. Through my travels though,
I learned a lesson that would turn it all around. It not only helped me
understand where he was coming from, but it helped me to understand myself as
well. I'd like to share an excerpt from the story of my travels, when I realized
a huge lesson about communication.


 


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(from 01/03/2012)

   So today it's January 3rd and I'm spending another day in bed. The snow has
fallen, quite a bit, but it's sunny, which always brightens my mood. I could use
a little sunshine after the weekend I had, battling this constant headache,
nausea and dizziness. The unknown really throws me for a loop, and this time has
been no exception.

    After hearing I didn't break my nose, I thought I might start improving. The
doctor at the clinic suggested that it usually takes a week to heal, but mine
was not getting better. I think it was harder to hear that it wasn't broken,
because inside I "knew" that something was just not right. Since the time the
accident happened, I still haven't been able to comfortably wear my glasses, and
when I've tried getting out of the house, or doing much of anything for that
matter, I become so nauseous, dizzy and generally unwell. The simple lack of an
answer, coupled with continuing pain and symptoms, has left me an anxious,
panicky, depressed mess at times.

    Yesterday we decided that it would be good to get out of the house, so we
walked over to Westmount Mall to run an errand. I needed to get out, for my
mental health more than anything, but it was no small challenge walking the 15
minutes it took to get there. My breath was ragged and heavy the whole time, and
I felt like it took every ounce of will to keep my feet moving. But I knew I had
to do it. In a crazy way, for how hard it was on my body, my head started to
feel a bit clearer. We made it to the store, but I was completely breathless and
struggled to maintain composure while dealing with the saleslady. Gomer
suggested we find a bench, so we sat down so that I could rest. I felt like
crap. Between my queasy, aching head and my exhausted, nauseous body, I still
knew something was wrong. Out of the blue, Gomer suggested I might have post
concussion syndrome, and it was like someone throwing a drowning person a life
vest. It made sense to me, HAD BEEN making sense to me, but until he suggested
it, I had begun to think maybe it was all in my head. We decided to walk the way
back to get some lunch and stop at the grocery store. As we were talking more
about it, it gave me hope that maybe I wasn't going crazy after all, and I was
able to walk back with more ease and strength.

    We looked up the symptoms when we returned home and I had almost every single
one.  It even said that anxiety and depression were common in dealing with it.
Hope, pure and simple. Now I know that I'm not a doctor, but this truly
resonated with me and made me feel better. The racing, panicky thoughts that
couldn't be controlled, were now focused on something that made sense. I could
hang onto this, I could grasp it intellectually and emotionally. I could tell
myself it was real, that I needed rest and time to heal, instead of thinking it
was all in my head. I could take action and see my doctor. 

     When you battle anxiety and panic, or even depression for that matter, it's
easy to think it's all in your head. When the thoughts start racing, you wonder
if you will ever gain sanity again. It can be so hard to grasp a positive
thought, any thought, that will turn the tide and calm the storm. In my case, a
blow to the head caused a physical reaction that led to an emotional one as
well. Chronic pain can do that. I've lived it before, about 10 years ago when I
was diagnosed with chronic muscle pain. I became enraged when the specialist
sent me to a pain psychologist, assuming that he thought it was "all in my
head". But it turns out he was right. My thoughts were debilitating me. My
emotions were debilitating me. And until I could learn to turn my thoughts
around, I wasn't going to get any better. I had to learn to really "hear" what I
was telling myself, to tune in to what I was feeling, and only then could I
start to take the steps to begin healing. 

    Yesterday's "thought" about a possible diagnosis, was one of those positive
thoughts that helped bring me around. It calmed me. It made me remember that
I've been in this place before. It reminded me to look at things and question
all possibilities, not just make assumptions or turn it into something big and
scary. Even today when I posted on Facebook about my symptoms, others suggested
it could even have a spiritual, energetic factor to it, which also makes sense
to me.

    Today I have more peace of mind, not because I have a diagnosis or answer,
but because I was able to change a thought, to break a destructive thought
process that would only continue to bring me into the dark. Yesterday one
thought helped bring me into the light, and after a snowfall of gleaming white,
today it is sunny. A great omen to be sure.

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(from 12/30/2011)

   Well, it's past Christmas and we now have snow. I can't say that I'm
altogether disappointed, as my husband works in property maintenance and I've
liked having him home instead of shovelling snow on weekends. It is quite pretty
now though, as I look out my bedroom window.

    This past Christmas was a challenge. It started with the constant barrage of
ads on TV for "Black Friday", and continued with distaste when I heard the
stories of shoppers pepper-spraying and shooting each other. Christmas, it
seems, has become even more consumerized (if I can make that a word). I've often
struggled between the kid in me enjoying getting presents, and the more
"enlightened" adult in me that "understands" that Christmas is about more than
that. I love giving, and would gladly shower those I love with gifts that make
them happy, but the other side of me says that all the presents in the world
won't make someone happy. It makes me feel good to give, but when is giving
excessive? I'd like to support only local business and artists, but what if what
I want to buy is something that can only be purchased from a "big name" store?
It's a dilemma of the heart for sure and never fails to cause me distress at a
time when I should be full of joy and love.

    The next part of the challenge this Christmas was being a woman, when certain
tides fall at the same time that you would like to be joyous and happy, not
emotional, weepy and irritable. Such is the way the calendar falls though! It
must have been a necessary coincidence with the darkness fading (Winter
Solstice) and the light returning, to purge many things in many ways. Emotional
purging, monthly physical purging (sorry guys), mucous purging (from a head cold
that just wouldn't go away)...it made for a purging kind of Christmas. But the
worst of all came Christmas Eve night, when I opened the door to a friend's car,
at night, a black SUV which we were borrowing to drive home. For some reason, I
don't know how, I opened the door right onto my nose, with such force that it
brought out a certain "F" word, but luckily no blood. My wonderful husband,
hearing the cry that he now knows for me being in pain, checked to see that I
was okay. I somehow drove us (Dylan, Gomer and I) home, then tried gingerly to
ice it, for even the slightest pressure sent me into pain. 

     For the rest of Christmas week, I tried to put on a brave face (albeit a
bruised one), but ended up a weeping, pained mess. Too many things compounded at
once finally brought me down. While I had spent an enjoyable few days with Dylan
on the weekend of Christmas, I couldn't even have some extra time with him later
in the week, as the pain and exhaustion were so bad. He came for 4 hours,
somehow understood I was in pain, gave me many hugs and a few pats on the
shoulder (what an angel!), then his Dad picked him up to take him back home. I
hated to make that call! I was in tears as he left, but I knew Dylan understood
(which was a relief) and I spent the rest of the day in bed. I finally had to
surrender to it all and rest. 

     The bright light in it all was my husband Gomer, who patiently took care of
me, listened to me, hugged me and told me everything would work out and would be
ok. It's hard when I get down to get back up, as the climb seems so hard and
overwhelming. It takes all of my mental discipline and positive thoughts to
bring me back up, and even then there are times that I just can't do it myself.
That's when I'm grateful for having such a loving partner, a partner that gets
me completely, and sometimes knows me better than I know myself. There are still
times when I look back on my single days and wonder if I was better off then,
but moments like this Christmas remind me that Love, simply given, and Giving,
simple words from the heart, are what matters most. He reminded me to listen to
my heart, to remember my strength, and that was the greatest gift I could have
received this Christmas. 

     Sitting in bed now, still resting and recovering from the headcold/PMS/nose
injury, etc., I can see things clearer and take the lessons from what's
happened. I fell into victim-mode. I let myself get so wrapped up in my own
misery that I forgot that I have a choice in how I react. I remembered the
blessing it is to have a supportive, loving husband, and I realized that every
day can be about loving and giving.

    I feel like I'm healing now.

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